Could this be the source of our problem?

So I slept on the couch for most of the night last night. I was crying most of the time so I didn’t want to go to my bed. My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed. Not that anything ever happens there anyway. It’s a king size bed so we are not very close in there anyway. I slipped into my bed around 4 in the morning.

The next morning I was still feeling sad. I was thinking of a conversation I had with my husband on the way back from work yesterday. We were talking about his family and I asked him how he sees me or doesn’t see me interacting with his family after we separate. Well that discussion led to him saying that if I get a boyfriend then it might be awkward to spend time with my family. I jump at the opportunity to say that he might find someone else (I thought that would give me an indication of how he is accepting the separation). He told me that he does not think he will find someone at the moment because of this medical condition he has and that is dominating his thoughts at the moment.

His medical condition is that he trembles. He does not have Parkinson or anything like that. He just trembles. His mother has that too. So his hands tremble and he has a hard time writing because the writing is shaky. When he uses a fork or lifts a glass, you can also see it. We have had discussions about his trembling in the past and I know that he hates it. He has tried different medications in the past but with no success. The side effects of those medications are worst then the trembling itself. I don’t make a big issue out of it because I don’t think it is a big issue. Sometime last year or the beginning of this year we were talking about it and he told me that he thought about it a lot. I told him that he has to find a way to accept it and live with it. This thing is never going away. He must get passed the thought that he will always tremble and deal with it. Harsh I know but really, what else can he do, right?

Several months have passed since and it is still dominating his life. To the point where it seems like he cannot think of anything else. So this morning it dawned on me. Has our marriage been suffering because of his trembling? If his trembling is dominating his thought then he has no room in his head to think of sex or us. It’s like, all of a sudden, this could be the reason why our relationship sucks. I just wanted to cry. I was still sad from yesterday and now realizing this just made me sadder. I went to work and I tried to hold it together, but I could not, I cried for about an hour. Fuck I hate crying at work!!!

So I was able to recompose myself, with the help of a friend, and I decided I was going to talk to him tonight about it. As the day progressed and as I was thinking about it more, I was getting mad. In my head, it was all making sense now. How can he fix us if he thinks he is so broken? He is a stubborn man. He really is.

So on the drive home, I talked to him about it. Well, I was hoping for a big revelation but there was none. He got upset at the fact that he has this. He probably thinks that I don’t understand. Part of me does, the other part does not. I get it that it’s very frustrating to have this. Why him? Why does he have this? It’s a genetic thing. It sucks! I get that. But the part of me that does not get that is why does he not deal with it? Why does he not accept it? There are people who are much much much sicker than him and they manage to live fulfilling lives. Does he think that he is incomplete because of this? Really, to hear him talk, in a few years from now, he thinks it will be so bad he may not even be able to function.

I am so pissed off right now because the more I think about it, the more I think that his trembling may be the reason for our marriage breakdown. Not the no-sex part. That is just a symptom of the real problem. What makes me mad is the thought that he has given his condition the right to screw up our marriage.

Reality bites!

Tonight things are a little hard for me. I’m feeling sad. Sad about no longer being a couple. As much as I am looking forward to being alone, tonight I’m wondering if I haven’t made a mistake. My life is uncertain at this point and I think that is scaring me right now. I feel like I am financially screwed. I’m having a hard time seeing past that. Speaking to a friend today, she thinks I will be fine and that I should stop wondering what will happen. She thinks I am stronger than this.

So I am doubting, questioning and worrying about everything. Have I made the right decision? Should I have tried to work it out with my husband again but this time go see a counsellor and/or a sex therapist? Do I want to have a relationship with someone else? Will I ever find someone else? Will I ever fall in love again? OMG! Way too many questions. Way too much negativity in my head right now.

I think I need to step up my game and start taking action on things. I need to go see a bank and get a pre-approved mortgage. Take a good hard look at all my finances. Start clearing out the house (clean house…clean mind). I need to start selling stuff I no longer want…the piano, the freezer, the TV cabinet and a lot more.

Anyway, I’m sure this will not be the last day I am worried or sad about my separation. I need to expect that there will be good and bad days.

Sad realization

Today I have come to the sad realisation that I will need to sell my house. My budget is way too tight for me to stay here. I could keep it but then I would not be able to enjoy my life or I would have to dip into my savings and I’m not sure I want to do that. It’s not that this house is too expensive, it’s just the cost of operating it makes things too tight. My mortgage is only $720 a month but then you have to add taxes and heating and other crap. I could get a house that’s about $100 000 cheaper and about half its size. That would bring my mortgage down about $150, if not more, and it would give me the wiggle room I need to live a more comfortable life. Not to mention other things that would cost less like taxes and utilities. I don’t want to go into debt or liquidate my savings just for a house.

Originally I was hoping to stay in the house a few months or so before having to make this decision. I know it’s my choice to leave but I still need to get used to the idea and work through it. My husband actually made a budget for me (he’s a budget guy) and told me that I could afford the house for the time being. So today, I actually took the time to look at it and evaluate it. Sure I could afford it but then I would not afford to do anything else with my life and that’s not what I want. At the moment, with 2 salaries, we enjoy financial freedom. I can go out and buy $500 worth of stuff in one day and I wouldn’t even feel a pinch. Those days are over for me and tonight I am realizing this. My financial world is crashing down on me. Ok, that might be a bit much but it’s a freedom I will have to mourn until I get used to it. I always knew I would have to sell the house and I am looking forward to a new change but not this very minute.

Now comes the hard part of getting this house ready to sell. We need to paint, get rid of some clutter and stage it. I want to sell it privately and my husband wants a realtor. We’ll have to see who wins that battle.

We also need to start telling my child about the changes that are coming. Hubby has an apartment and he is moving in less than 3 weeks. I’m not sure how he will take it. He has no idea this is coming and I’m pretty sure he will not understand why we are doing this. He finishes school tomorrow so I guess we will tell him soon after.