Well I've been Online dating for a few months now. I've met up with several guys and I am learning that dating in today's world is more complicated then when I was younger. Maybe it's because I am doing it Online and it's so different then meeting someone the old fashion way.
Most of the guys I meet in person, I end up having no sparks that fly or no connection. I chat with these guys Online and I hit it off and actually seem to have chemistry with them when we chat, but then when I meet them in person...nothing. I can't say that for all the guys I meet. There are 3 guys that I did feel some kind of chemistry with, but the others...nothing. I've met about 9 guys so fare.
The 3 guys that I liked, well one of them was too shy to kiss me or do anything...like ridiculously shy. He could text me all sorts of things, but when we met, he was paralysed with shyness. He was only in town for a few months for his job and got really busy with work, so we didn't meet up again. We texted each other for a few weeks until I finally told him to stop.
The other guy I had a connection with, we ended up kissing on the first date. But by the second date, that feeling kinda fizzled out. I left that date not wanting to see him again. That was 2 weeks ago. He has contacted me again but we have not been able to hook up. I'm willing to give a 3rd date a try. Then I will know if there is anything.
Now the guy that I had the most connection with, I ended up seeing for some time now. He was not looking for a serious relationship, so our relationship was casual. I would see him about once or twice a week and we would text everyday. But he did not want a relationship, so I ended up still staying Online and dating other guys at the same time.
So after about 6 weeks of this, he told me that he was reconciling with his old girlfriend and that he was going to try and make it work between them. They had been separated for 2 years. I was shocked and heartbroken. Even though our relationship was casual, we were developing feelings for each other. I knew the score coming into this type of relationship with him and I wished him good luck with her.
So about a month after that, he sends me a text saying that he would like to hook up with me again. I thought that it probably did not work out with his girlfriend, but no, the girlfriend was still in the picture but he said that he misses me and still wants me in his life. So this is where I am with him right now. I'm torn between being the other woman and wanting to be with him. We connect on a physical level that I have not connected with in the past before. It's hard to say no to him. I'm really torn. I know the answer should be so clear...stay away. But it's hard when I have such a strong chemistry with this guy. I can just hear a bunch of women saying that I would be such a bitch to be with him. I wish it was that simple to decide.
Not sure I am sold on Online dating. You meet a lot more people this way but it's not quality, it's quantity. So right now, I'm looking at it as a way to broaden my circle of acquaintances. It allows me to get out and meet new people. But my expectations that I will meet my soul mate thru online dating is quickly dwindling away. I don't have a chance to meet new people in my normal day to day life, so this is a good alternative for now.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Online dating
So I've been trying online dating lately. I've been on this one site for the last few weeks and I am enjoying the attention I am getting. Lots of guys sending you messages in your inbox, telling you that you are cute and that they would like to chat. What else can a girl ask for? Talk about a morale booster!
Being married and out of the dating scene, I never knew how easy it is to hook up with someone just for sex. For some reason, I always thought it would be complicated or finding a friend with benefits would be hard to find. Well, I'm discovering that it ain't that hard. Like really not hard at all.
So there are a ton of guys on this site that say they want to have a relationship but when you start chatting, all they want to do is talk about sex. What's up with that? Like maybe they could meet the person first and then check to see if this could be a friend with benefits kind of relationship or something more. But noooooo, most of them start with that in mind. It actually ends up being a turn off. Not that I am opposed to a FWB kind of relationship, but I would like it to start a bit slower then at the first contact.
So I have been chatting with a lot of guys. I’ve had very different experiences. Some guys will initiate the chat and then have nothing to say beyond, Hi! How are you?. Others talk about their truck. Like don’t you know you are talking to a girl and if you want to talk about your truck then you should go to a bar and talk with your friends about it because I could care less about your Ford 150. Others are more rounded and will actually show interest in getting to know you. So far, I have met up with some guys, which I will write about a bit later.
So, I’m giving this online dating a try, as I really don’t have the opportunity to meet up with guys. Most of my friends are girls; well actually, all of my friends are girls. I work with a bunch of girls in my section with the exception of a couple of non-available or not my type guys, and I don’t go out to bars or pick up joints. So at the moment, I am having fun with this and who knows what this will bring to me in the future.
Being married and out of the dating scene, I never knew how easy it is to hook up with someone just for sex. For some reason, I always thought it would be complicated or finding a friend with benefits would be hard to find. Well, I'm discovering that it ain't that hard. Like really not hard at all.
So there are a ton of guys on this site that say they want to have a relationship but when you start chatting, all they want to do is talk about sex. What's up with that? Like maybe they could meet the person first and then check to see if this could be a friend with benefits kind of relationship or something more. But noooooo, most of them start with that in mind. It actually ends up being a turn off. Not that I am opposed to a FWB kind of relationship, but I would like it to start a bit slower then at the first contact.
So I have been chatting with a lot of guys. I’ve had very different experiences. Some guys will initiate the chat and then have nothing to say beyond, Hi! How are you?. Others talk about their truck. Like don’t you know you are talking to a girl and if you want to talk about your truck then you should go to a bar and talk with your friends about it because I could care less about your Ford 150. Others are more rounded and will actually show interest in getting to know you. So far, I have met up with some guys, which I will write about a bit later.
So, I’m giving this online dating a try, as I really don’t have the opportunity to meet up with guys. Most of my friends are girls; well actually, all of my friends are girls. I work with a bunch of girls in my section with the exception of a couple of non-available or not my type guys, and I don’t go out to bars or pick up joints. So at the moment, I am having fun with this and who knows what this will bring to me in the future.
Friday, 19 August 2011
A few days at the cottage
I just spent 3 days at a friends cottage. It was awesome! You have to understand that I am not a nature loving person by nature. I do love looking at beautiful landscapes and admiring the beauty of nature in all it's splendour, but I usually don't have a need to go to the country to rejuvenate myself. I can do that perfectly well on the paved streets of the city.
This cottage is actually a trailer with an addition that is permanently parked just about 100 feet from the lake. I drove down there with my son and my friend that owns the trailer late Monday morning. I have not seen this friend in probably over a year. We used to work together and used to hang around a lot more, but as life happens, we hardly see each other anymore. We connect on Facebook and keep track of what each of us is doing. So this was a real treat to finally get together and catch up. On Tuesday, 2 other friends of ours that also worked with us were joining us with their kids too. It was definitely going to be a great few days.
The highlight of the time passed together had to be getting drunk on Tuesday night. A few cosmo's, some Bailey's and that was enough to get us all laughing our heads off and sharing stuff we might regret in the morning. We had a blast! The last time I got drunk was 10 years ago (and actually with the same girls ha!), so it was long overdue. I think everyone should get drunk at one point. It just kind of let's yourself go for a little while.
I did not want to come back on Wednesday night. Between reconnecting with my friends and lying for hours on the hammock, it just seemed that this trip to the country was exactly what I needed. The feeling of being completely relaxed is great.
This cottage is actually a trailer with an addition that is permanently parked just about 100 feet from the lake. I drove down there with my son and my friend that owns the trailer late Monday morning. I have not seen this friend in probably over a year. We used to work together and used to hang around a lot more, but as life happens, we hardly see each other anymore. We connect on Facebook and keep track of what each of us is doing. So this was a real treat to finally get together and catch up. On Tuesday, 2 other friends of ours that also worked with us were joining us with their kids too. It was definitely going to be a great few days.
The highlight of the time passed together had to be getting drunk on Tuesday night. A few cosmo's, some Bailey's and that was enough to get us all laughing our heads off and sharing stuff we might regret in the morning. We had a blast! The last time I got drunk was 10 years ago (and actually with the same girls ha!), so it was long overdue. I think everyone should get drunk at one point. It just kind of let's yourself go for a little while.
I did not want to come back on Wednesday night. Between reconnecting with my friends and lying for hours on the hammock, it just seemed that this trip to the country was exactly what I needed. The feeling of being completely relaxed is great.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
I want to discover sex again
I always thought I had a great sex life when I was married. Ok, let me rephrase that, I always thought I had a great sex life at the beginning of my marriage. My ex and I had mind blowing sex at the beginning. Well, it was mind-blowing for me. The kind that makes you scream and think that there is nothing better in the world then this (and there really isn’t). I was young and I thought that this kind of sex would last forever. We had sex often, for a long time and it always ended with an orgasm for both of us.
At the beginning, we experimented with different moves, discovered what we liked and what we did not. I guess over time we found our niche and stuck with it. Right, why mess with a good recipe when it works for you?
Well, fast forward to today and now I discover that the first 8 years of my marriage were my best sex years and after that, everything gradually started going downhill. Around that time was when our sex life became less frequent. We had the same routine, the same moves and I did not complain because it was still very satisfying, just not as frequent as I wanted it to be. That was my complaint, not frequent enough. I liked the connection we had when we had sex. Actually, we never had “sex”, we “made love”. My ex was very clear that we were making love, not sex. I was not looking to be more creative. I just wanted more of it, like when we were first married. I’m not sure, but around the 8 year mark, I think we were maybe having sex once a week by then. Still ok, but we did not have children and we had 9 to 5 jobs, so there was really no excuse for us to be too tired or busy to have sex more often.
My ex was my first boyfriend and the only man I have ever slept with. I was his first too. I thought everyone out there had the same sex life as me. I thought I had a healthy sex life.
As I got older and sex became less and less frequent, I started getting hornier and more impatient. I never bought a sex toy to satisfy myself because I thought something had to be wrong with your sex life if you had to revert to using one of those. And I was not about to admit that my sex life needed help! So I just got more frustrated with my husband. Him and I talked about our sex life and our expectations a lot because I brought it up. As the years went by, we were having sex maybe once a month. That frequency worked for him but it did not work for me. Add a child to the mix and well you can imagine how that went. When our marriage reached 16 years, our sex life became almost non-existent. Sex was every other month or so and eventually every other trimester. My frustrations grew. We talked about sex, or lack thereof, but that was it. Just talking, no action.
So now, I am older and wiser and I want to discover sex again. I want that mind blowing sex that I deserve. I want to feel wanted, sexy, loved and needed. At 42, I am way too young not to be experiencing great sex. You know, when you are deprived of something, it seems that is all you want. I just think of sex now.
It will be weird to be naked with somebody else but then again, maybe it won’t. I know that there is a lot more out there then just the same moves and routine…and I am looking forward to learning and discovering someone new again. As I will be dating men that have previous sexual experience, I’m sure I will learn quite a few new tricks. And I am looking forward to it. Maybe I will even get a little sex toy to keep me busy on those lonely nights! Time to change :)
At the beginning, we experimented with different moves, discovered what we liked and what we did not. I guess over time we found our niche and stuck with it. Right, why mess with a good recipe when it works for you?
Well, fast forward to today and now I discover that the first 8 years of my marriage were my best sex years and after that, everything gradually started going downhill. Around that time was when our sex life became less frequent. We had the same routine, the same moves and I did not complain because it was still very satisfying, just not as frequent as I wanted it to be. That was my complaint, not frequent enough. I liked the connection we had when we had sex. Actually, we never had “sex”, we “made love”. My ex was very clear that we were making love, not sex. I was not looking to be more creative. I just wanted more of it, like when we were first married. I’m not sure, but around the 8 year mark, I think we were maybe having sex once a week by then. Still ok, but we did not have children and we had 9 to 5 jobs, so there was really no excuse for us to be too tired or busy to have sex more often.
My ex was my first boyfriend and the only man I have ever slept with. I was his first too. I thought everyone out there had the same sex life as me. I thought I had a healthy sex life.
As I got older and sex became less and less frequent, I started getting hornier and more impatient. I never bought a sex toy to satisfy myself because I thought something had to be wrong with your sex life if you had to revert to using one of those. And I was not about to admit that my sex life needed help! So I just got more frustrated with my husband. Him and I talked about our sex life and our expectations a lot because I brought it up. As the years went by, we were having sex maybe once a month. That frequency worked for him but it did not work for me. Add a child to the mix and well you can imagine how that went. When our marriage reached 16 years, our sex life became almost non-existent. Sex was every other month or so and eventually every other trimester. My frustrations grew. We talked about sex, or lack thereof, but that was it. Just talking, no action.
So now, I am older and wiser and I want to discover sex again. I want that mind blowing sex that I deserve. I want to feel wanted, sexy, loved and needed. At 42, I am way too young not to be experiencing great sex. You know, when you are deprived of something, it seems that is all you want. I just think of sex now.
It will be weird to be naked with somebody else but then again, maybe it won’t. I know that there is a lot more out there then just the same moves and routine…and I am looking forward to learning and discovering someone new again. As I will be dating men that have previous sexual experience, I’m sure I will learn quite a few new tricks. And I am looking forward to it. Maybe I will even get a little sex toy to keep me busy on those lonely nights! Time to change :)
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Saying
''God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be." Unknown Author.
This is a saying that I have seen a few times and it always makes me think. Depending on where I am in my life’s journey, it will mean different things to me.
If I am having some kind of issue with someone, I wonder, what can this person be bringing to my life? What is the meaning of them being here? And why am I going through this? What did I do to deserve this? I never seem to have an answer to any of these questions.
When someone is loving me, I usually don’t question why they are in my life, I just like them being there and hope it continues. But how are they shaping my life?
Many times, we only discover how a person has changed our lives many years down the road as we come to realize that if that person had not been there, at that time, our lives could have gone in a totally different direction.
If God only gives you the people you need, then I wonder what are other people receiving from me that they need. Who am I to them? Have I hurt them? Loved them? How am I contributing to the person they are meant to be?
Life is a journey, that’s for sure, but it can also be a mystery. We shouldn’t question everything. Just live!
Friday, 5 August 2011
One of the joys of being single
One thing about not being married is that I can cook whatever I want. I don’t have to change a recipes because there are mushrooms in it or eating chicken too often or worrying about adding spices. All things my ex did not like and that I had to manoeuvre around at supper time. This week, I made chicken, seafood pizza filled with stuff he doesn’t like, and planning on more chicken with tonnes and tonnes of mushrooms. Sounds good to me!
I just have to make what I like and I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Or I can have a late snack in the afternoon and not worry about not preparing any supper if I’m not hungry later, which is something I never did when I was married. I won’t have to ask my husband if he doesn’t mind me making a pot of my stinky soup because it’s made with cumin and he doesn’t like the smell of it, let alone the taste of it. Or cooking the mushrooms separately just for me because he can’t stand them or omitting them altogether. Or passing on recipes that are spicy or that are different from what we usually have.
My son is still at the age where you can give him anything and he will eat it, with the exception of a few things, which he just picks off his plate. I have never really cooked things according to his tastes; he just gets what put in front of him. Although, he is starting to develop likes and dislikes lately. We’ll see how that goes in the future.
The only down side to this is the portions. Cooking a fabulous dinner for one (or one and a half) does not always seem to be worth it. I do love cooking for a crowd. But then again, if you consider who you are cooking for in the first place (which is me and my son every other week) then we are totally worth every minutes of that time spent in the kitchen.
I guess I will also have to alter the amounts I buy at the grocery store. Steak for one please! I won’t have to buy tons of cheese anymore either. I will never buy another can of baked beans again (I’m sorry but they are just nasty!). And I will never have pancakes for supper ever again. I’m really not a breakfast kind of person, at any time of the day.
Cheers!
I just have to make what I like and I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Or I can have a late snack in the afternoon and not worry about not preparing any supper if I’m not hungry later, which is something I never did when I was married. I won’t have to ask my husband if he doesn’t mind me making a pot of my stinky soup because it’s made with cumin and he doesn’t like the smell of it, let alone the taste of it. Or cooking the mushrooms separately just for me because he can’t stand them or omitting them altogether. Or passing on recipes that are spicy or that are different from what we usually have.
My son is still at the age where you can give him anything and he will eat it, with the exception of a few things, which he just picks off his plate. I have never really cooked things according to his tastes; he just gets what put in front of him. Although, he is starting to develop likes and dislikes lately. We’ll see how that goes in the future.
The only down side to this is the portions. Cooking a fabulous dinner for one (or one and a half) does not always seem to be worth it. I do love cooking for a crowd. But then again, if you consider who you are cooking for in the first place (which is me and my son every other week) then we are totally worth every minutes of that time spent in the kitchen.
I guess I will also have to alter the amounts I buy at the grocery store. Steak for one please! I won’t have to buy tons of cheese anymore either. I will never buy another can of baked beans again (I’m sorry but they are just nasty!). And I will never have pancakes for supper ever again. I’m really not a breakfast kind of person, at any time of the day.
Cheers!
Friday, 22 July 2011
The week in review
I enjoyed my week on my own. It was nice to be alone. Although by the end of the week I did not really feel like I was alone. I saw my son every night this week except for Wednesday. I saw him on Monday because my ex needed the car, Tuesday I saw him at soccer practice, Wednesday I only talked to him on the phone, on Thursday soccer was cancelled due to the extreme heat but I asked my ex and son if they wanted to go to Dairy Queen for a treat, so I saw him then.
I am really tired this week as I am having a hard time sleeping. Falling asleep is the worst. As the week is progressing, it’s getting worst. Never falling asleep before midnight and waking up before 6 am. I’m the type of person that needs 8 hours of sleep, so I am getting more and more exhausted as the week is progressing. Like extremely exhausted. I feel like I am suffering from insomnia. This happens to me when I am stressed out and I need to figure out what is causing the stress. I do realize that seeing my ex and talking to him everyday is causing me some stress. I need to get away from him. I need to have some distance between him and I for a while. When I think of our relationship, I get upset. I’m mad at him for doing this to us and forcing my hand.
On another note, I went to a Zumba class on Wednesday. A friend of mine started going and asked me to go with her. It was fun! A full hour of jumping around and shaking your booty to latin music is great. I lacked coordination at times (ok…many times) but it was fun. I can’t remember the last time I smiled for a full hour while doing exercises. LOL! They break for the next couple of weeks due to summer holidays, but I will definitely be going again in August.
After work tonight, I will go get my son for a week. I’m anxious to see how he will take the back and forth from mommy’s place to daddy’s place. He seems to be doing well though.
I am really tired this week as I am having a hard time sleeping. Falling asleep is the worst. As the week is progressing, it’s getting worst. Never falling asleep before midnight and waking up before 6 am. I’m the type of person that needs 8 hours of sleep, so I am getting more and more exhausted as the week is progressing. Like extremely exhausted. I feel like I am suffering from insomnia. This happens to me when I am stressed out and I need to figure out what is causing the stress. I do realize that seeing my ex and talking to him everyday is causing me some stress. I need to get away from him. I need to have some distance between him and I for a while. When I think of our relationship, I get upset. I’m mad at him for doing this to us and forcing my hand.
On another note, I went to a Zumba class on Wednesday. A friend of mine started going and asked me to go with her. It was fun! A full hour of jumping around and shaking your booty to latin music is great. I lacked coordination at times (ok…many times) but it was fun. I can’t remember the last time I smiled for a full hour while doing exercises. LOL! They break for the next couple of weeks due to summer holidays, but I will definitely be going again in August.
After work tonight, I will go get my son for a week. I’m anxious to see how he will take the back and forth from mommy’s place to daddy’s place. He seems to be doing well though.
Monday, 18 July 2011
First day back at work
First day back at work went well. Read a gazillion emails and nothing much else. Really not a productive day. I am super tired today because I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ve been going to bed quite late during my vacation, after midnight most nights. So going to bed at 9:30 last night was kinda useless. I did not fall asleep until past midnight and I probably woke up like 6 times after that. I’m a night owl. I would stay up late every night and get up late.
Saw my son after work as my ex needed the car (yes, we are sharing the car for now), so they came to get me at work. Driving home together is not the greatest anymore. Not much talking going on but I took the opportunity to talk about some custody issues I had as well as an agreement for the use of the car. It’s just not the same talking to him anymore. He is either more negative (probably due to the separation, duh!) or just because he is a negative person and I am noticing it more now.
Tonight I cleaned around the house a bit. That is what I want to do now, I want to get this house into shape and get everything that I don’t want in it out.
Saw my son after work as my ex needed the car (yes, we are sharing the car for now), so they came to get me at work. Driving home together is not the greatest anymore. Not much talking going on but I took the opportunity to talk about some custody issues I had as well as an agreement for the use of the car. It’s just not the same talking to him anymore. He is either more negative (probably due to the separation, duh!) or just because he is a negative person and I am noticing it more now.
Tonight I cleaned around the house a bit. That is what I want to do now, I want to get this house into shape and get everything that I don’t want in it out.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Time to recharge my batteries
My son has been living at his Dad’s since Friday night. We have now started the shared custody. One week with Dad, one week with Mom. My son does not seemed too concerned. He was actually looking forward to going to his fathers on Friday. Him and my ex have a great relationship together. He is definitely a daddy’s boy. My son, has seen both of us every single day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. We are very mindful of the effects this separation has on him and we are trying to minimize any negative feelings on his part. I guess we can’t protect him from everything but we are making sure that he knows he is loved and that this separation is not caused by him. It’s sad not having him here with me, and when I do see him for the few minutes when it’s not my turn to have him, I cry after he leaves. He seems happy but I find it sad.
Yesterday I stuffed my face. I went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place with my friend. That was nice. She had been on vacation for the last couple of weeks and we did not get a chance to talk. Just a bit of texting. So we spent a couple of hours catching up. Then for supper I was invited to a friend’s house. Well, I didn’t think to far in advance when I accepted the invitation that I might still be full from lunch. Luckily, we ate a little late but I was so freaking stuffed at the end of the day.
Today I went cycling and had a 3 hour nap. Did not have breakfast before cycling because I was still so full from yesterday. I feel really drained today. Maybe the last two weeks are catching up with me. I start work again tomorrow. I was on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Which was a good thing, because if I would have had to go to work during these past few weeks it would have been awful. At least this way, I was able to concentrate on the changes in my life.
I’m looking forward to this week and seeing how it will unfold. First week where I am officially separated (not legally, just physically), where I do not have my son living with me and where I go back to work and resume my day-to-day life. Let’s see what the future brings…
Yesterday I stuffed my face. I went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place with my friend. That was nice. She had been on vacation for the last couple of weeks and we did not get a chance to talk. Just a bit of texting. So we spent a couple of hours catching up. Then for supper I was invited to a friend’s house. Well, I didn’t think to far in advance when I accepted the invitation that I might still be full from lunch. Luckily, we ate a little late but I was so freaking stuffed at the end of the day.
Today I went cycling and had a 3 hour nap. Did not have breakfast before cycling because I was still so full from yesterday. I feel really drained today. Maybe the last two weeks are catching up with me. I start work again tomorrow. I was on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Which was a good thing, because if I would have had to go to work during these past few weeks it would have been awful. At least this way, I was able to concentrate on the changes in my life.
I’m looking forward to this week and seeing how it will unfold. First week where I am officially separated (not legally, just physically), where I do not have my son living with me and where I go back to work and resume my day-to-day life. Let’s see what the future brings…
Friday, 15 July 2011
Just thinking out loud
The person that used to mean the world to me is gone. I sent my husband away. I used to cherish and value him the most in the whole world. He was the most important being in my life. I have always put my family first. I used to think that if I lost everything in the world, I would still be ok, as long as I had my husband and son with me. But now, I have sent him away. How can I send away someone who used to be so important in my life? I have fallen out of love with my husband. There is no more intimacy, no more connection, no more affection. We are just friends that care deeply for each other and we were just living our day-to-day life together in which I have lost myself. That sounds like what a lot of people would say when they separate, but it seems to fit.
Maybe because I am selfish and not enough time was spent on me. Although, I would still go out to dinner with friends and do some stuff for me, but it still seems like I was putting a lot of my time and energy towards other people. It’s not like my husband would stop me from doing things with other people. Actually that was the opposite, he never stopped me from doing things but maybe I did. Maybe I forgot about myself. Maybe dinner with friends once in a while was not enough for me. I feel like I have not grown up in a while. My husband was not exactly a social butterfly. He would shy away from some activities, so therefore, I would to and I didn’t like it.
I keep thinking that my husband will be there for me in case I decide to come back but maybe he won’t. Asking him to fall in love with me again might be a lot to ask. Asking myself to fall in love with him again might also be a lot to ask. I could fall in love with my husband again if the intimacy came back and our connection was restored. I miss that in a relationship and I am looking forward to having that again in my life. I am looking forward to meeting someone and having sparks fly. I wish it was now, but I think meeting someone might take time.
Maybe because I am selfish and not enough time was spent on me. Although, I would still go out to dinner with friends and do some stuff for me, but it still seems like I was putting a lot of my time and energy towards other people. It’s not like my husband would stop me from doing things with other people. Actually that was the opposite, he never stopped me from doing things but maybe I did. Maybe I forgot about myself. Maybe dinner with friends once in a while was not enough for me. I feel like I have not grown up in a while. My husband was not exactly a social butterfly. He would shy away from some activities, so therefore, I would to and I didn’t like it.
I keep thinking that my husband will be there for me in case I decide to come back but maybe he won’t. Asking him to fall in love with me again might be a lot to ask. Asking myself to fall in love with him again might also be a lot to ask. I could fall in love with my husband again if the intimacy came back and our connection was restored. I miss that in a relationship and I am looking forward to having that again in my life. I am looking forward to meeting someone and having sparks fly. I wish it was now, but I think meeting someone might take time.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
First night alone
Tonight my husband is officially gone. He is now living in his own apartment, away from me. I have mixed emotions about it. It feels good to be alone. And by alone, I mean no husband because I am not totally alone due to the fact that my son is with me tonight. But just alone with no one to answer to except for myself. No one to depend on, no one to worry about, just me. It also feels sad. Sad that our once great relationship has officially come to an end.
Tonight, my son was spending a couple of hours at my ex-huband’s place (oh! saying my ex-husband will take some time to get used to!) and I went over to get my son. I rang the doorbell, my ex answered, smiled and said come on in. For a brief moment there, it brought me back to when him and I first started dating and I would go meet up with him at his apartment. It kinda stopped me in my tracks for a moment as I remembered the feelings I had for him back then. It feels weird to go to his apartment because it’s not my home but at the same time it feels like home because all the things there are things him and I shared for so many years. I’m not sure how he feels. When I do ask him, he is always kinda vague in his answers.
I’m kind of in a constant state of sadness. Not total depression but just sad. The other day I actually laughed out loud at something (can’t remember what it was) and I actually thought to myself that I have not laughed like that in what seems to be a while. Even tonight at the grocery store, I gave a big smile to the guy that packs my groceries and said thank you and I also thought that it seems I haven’t smiled like that in a while. I’m a happy person but lately I am not as happy as I should be. I guess I am looking forward to getting my happy back soon!
Tonight, my son was spending a couple of hours at my ex-huband’s place (oh! saying my ex-husband will take some time to get used to!) and I went over to get my son. I rang the doorbell, my ex answered, smiled and said come on in. For a brief moment there, it brought me back to when him and I first started dating and I would go meet up with him at his apartment. It kinda stopped me in my tracks for a moment as I remembered the feelings I had for him back then. It feels weird to go to his apartment because it’s not my home but at the same time it feels like home because all the things there are things him and I shared for so many years. I’m not sure how he feels. When I do ask him, he is always kinda vague in his answers.
I’m kind of in a constant state of sadness. Not total depression but just sad. The other day I actually laughed out loud at something (can’t remember what it was) and I actually thought to myself that I have not laughed like that in what seems to be a while. Even tonight at the grocery store, I gave a big smile to the guy that packs my groceries and said thank you and I also thought that it seems I haven’t smiled like that in a while. I’m a happy person but lately I am not as happy as I should be. I guess I am looking forward to getting my happy back soon!
Monday, 11 July 2011
Ahhhh! Time alone at last :)
I’ve had a good couple of days. I managed to have about 6 hours to myself on Sunday. Went cycling for about 2 hours. That allowed me to think and relieve some stress. And hubby and child went for some errands for about 4 hours. It was good for me. I felt happy to be alone. When hubby came back, I felt like crying again. So I have come to the conclusion that when my hubby leaves, things will get better for me emotionally. Today, hubby was working, so my son and I just chilled all day doing nothing much. Felt like my batteries were being re-energized.
Hubby is still living in the house as he has no fridge and stove yet. They are being delivered tomorrow. So as of tomorrow, he should officially no longer live in our house. I’m looking forward to starting that part of my life. It really is sad when a couple go their separate ways. There won’t be any fan-fair here or I won’t be throwing any separation party because it is sad. I feel awful but this time apart will hopefully allow both of us to grow. I also need to see how my son is going to adjust to this. So far, we have been talking about it but as of tomorrow, we start putting it in motion. That will be the true test of how much he understands.
So tomorrow, I might start tackling my budget. I’ve been putting it off but I can’t anymore. It’s been causing me stress to think about it but I need to face it. I have never done a budget in my life. It’s always been my hubby that did that and he did it very well. Maybe I could hire him as my financial guy. LOL!
Hubby is still living in the house as he has no fridge and stove yet. They are being delivered tomorrow. So as of tomorrow, he should officially no longer live in our house. I’m looking forward to starting that part of my life. It really is sad when a couple go their separate ways. There won’t be any fan-fair here or I won’t be throwing any separation party because it is sad. I feel awful but this time apart will hopefully allow both of us to grow. I also need to see how my son is going to adjust to this. So far, we have been talking about it but as of tomorrow, we start putting it in motion. That will be the true test of how much he understands.
So tomorrow, I might start tackling my budget. I’ve been putting it off but I can’t anymore. It’s been causing me stress to think about it but I need to face it. I have never done a budget in my life. It’s always been my hubby that did that and he did it very well. Maybe I could hire him as my financial guy. LOL!
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Moving day
Today was moving day for my husband. He recruted his sister and brother-in-law to help. I helped too because that is what we have always done…we help each other. I did not want to help him just because it was going to be too emotional for me but he asked that I stay and help. I cried, in private, when his sister got here and at one other time when his sister and I were taking a break from hauling stuff. At times, it felt weird but at the end of the day, I felt kinda good. Not because his stuff was out of the house, but simply because we were doing something together. It felt like we were accomplishing something together. Like before.
So I questioned myself. Why did I want to leave my husband? All of a sudden I had no answer. Then a little bit of panic because I thought maybe I had no good reason. So why did I leave him? Oh yes, no sex in our marriage. No romantic connection. Not being able to make a decision on almost anything. Drifting apart. Lack of communication. And my thoughts were always outside the marriage. I had dreams of being separated. But today, I told myself a couple of times “be careful what you wish for”. I questioned that decision.
I felt sad and sorry that I was responsible for what was going on today. I actually said sorry to my husband a couple of times. But you know what? I should not be sorry. He is the one that should be sorry. Most of our problems stem from him. I often do that. I often take the blame for what others are responsible. It’s like I want them to be sorry, but they are not, so I say it for them.
I am going to live a separate life. I am going to start referring to him as my ex-husband. I am going to find my way in this world on my own. I am…I am…I am…I know I am going to be fine. Actually, I’m really not feeling that last sentence. I’m not feeling like I will be fine. I feel like I need someone to hold me by the hand and walk me through all of this. I so want to just cry for hours and scream but I am never alone these days. My child is always with me due to summer vacation. Tonight I went for a drive. Was gone for about an hour but I could not cry. The irony though, is when I was about to arrive home, then I wanted to cry. I feel alone. I feel like a big baby.
On my drive I was trying to look to my future. Trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Is this my life? Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? I failed in my marriage and now I am faced with being alone. How the hell did that happen? Why do I always want more then what I have?
We have an employee wellness program at work and I think I will call them on Monday. Talking to a professional might help me with some of my feelings. I don’t remember crying so much when I was married. I just wanted to be alone and separated from my husband. And now that I am separated, I cry so much. So I still ask myself, did I make the right decision or is this just part for the course?
I need a crystal ball to help me see my future more clearly. I need to find answers.
So I questioned myself. Why did I want to leave my husband? All of a sudden I had no answer. Then a little bit of panic because I thought maybe I had no good reason. So why did I leave him? Oh yes, no sex in our marriage. No romantic connection. Not being able to make a decision on almost anything. Drifting apart. Lack of communication. And my thoughts were always outside the marriage. I had dreams of being separated. But today, I told myself a couple of times “be careful what you wish for”. I questioned that decision.
I felt sad and sorry that I was responsible for what was going on today. I actually said sorry to my husband a couple of times. But you know what? I should not be sorry. He is the one that should be sorry. Most of our problems stem from him. I often do that. I often take the blame for what others are responsible. It’s like I want them to be sorry, but they are not, so I say it for them.
I am going to live a separate life. I am going to start referring to him as my ex-husband. I am going to find my way in this world on my own. I am…I am…I am…I know I am going to be fine. Actually, I’m really not feeling that last sentence. I’m not feeling like I will be fine. I feel like I need someone to hold me by the hand and walk me through all of this. I so want to just cry for hours and scream but I am never alone these days. My child is always with me due to summer vacation. Tonight I went for a drive. Was gone for about an hour but I could not cry. The irony though, is when I was about to arrive home, then I wanted to cry. I feel alone. I feel like a big baby.
On my drive I was trying to look to my future. Trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Is this my life? Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? I failed in my marriage and now I am faced with being alone. How the hell did that happen? Why do I always want more then what I have?
We have an employee wellness program at work and I think I will call them on Monday. Talking to a professional might help me with some of my feelings. I don’t remember crying so much when I was married. I just wanted to be alone and separated from my husband. And now that I am separated, I cry so much. So I still ask myself, did I make the right decision or is this just part for the course?
I need a crystal ball to help me see my future more clearly. I need to find answers.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Going back down :(
This morning I still feel good about my thoughts from last night. But I do feel uneasy about something. Like an anxiety feeling. I’m not sure where this is coming from. From time to time I think I have these slight panic attacks. Out of nowhere, I get the feeling like I’m about to stop breathing. I really have to stop and focus on relaxing. I think it happened to me at Pilates yesterday. We were just doing some breathing and I was all sweaty and actually felt light headed. I had to stop. It lasted about 5 minutes or so and I was able to recompose myself. It just happens with no notice. I also need to focus on eating. I’ve been neglecting that. That may also be affecting my health.
My determination I had last night is not as strong today. I feel shaky. What was different from last night? Not sure. I do feel a bit more motivated but I have a sense of worry or panic or uncertainty. I actually had some music playing in the house today. It ashamed because last night everything seemed so clear to me. My confidence was back. I could see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. But today, that is slowly going away. I need to continue working in this direction.
As I write this blog entry in stages today, I can say that my day is getting progressively worst. My crying episodes have come back. I got an email from my sister-in-law showing her support and making sure I am still part of the family. That drew emotions out of me.
I went out to dinner with a friend and she was able to lift my spirits. I really need to get out of the house more because staying in just makes me think negative thoughts.
My determination I had last night is not as strong today. I feel shaky. What was different from last night? Not sure. I do feel a bit more motivated but I have a sense of worry or panic or uncertainty. I actually had some music playing in the house today. It ashamed because last night everything seemed so clear to me. My confidence was back. I could see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. But today, that is slowly going away. I need to continue working in this direction.
As I write this blog entry in stages today, I can say that my day is getting progressively worst. My crying episodes have come back. I got an email from my sister-in-law showing her support and making sure I am still part of the family. That drew emotions out of me.
I went out to dinner with a friend and she was able to lift my spirits. I really need to get out of the house more because staying in just makes me think negative thoughts.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Breakthrough?
I have just dreamt of doing things. I have done nothing with my life. I can’t live like this anymore. Living with regrets. Living but not doing anything, Stop being scared! Stop finding excuses for not doing stuff. START LIVING!!!! You want to do something? Then do it!!! Stop thinking of what your friends will think or if they will judge me. I just have myself to answer to.
I don’t feel like crying tonight. I feel like I have had a breakthrough of some sort. I just need to continue thinking this way. I can’t revert back to my comfort zone. Comfort zone….bad, uncomfortable zone…good! I feel like I have a new found sense of direction tonight. Or at least, the start of a new direction.
I don’t feel like crying tonight. I feel like I have had a breakthrough of some sort. I just need to continue thinking this way. I can’t revert back to my comfort zone. Comfort zone….bad, uncomfortable zone…good! I feel like I have a new found sense of direction tonight. Or at least, the start of a new direction.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Crying...again
My husband is getting ready to move on Saturday. He is packing his stuff and that is also making me very sad. We spoke again on Sunday about our relationship and I made a promise to myself not to hold back any feelings or comments about what is going on in my head about our relationship. The last thing I want is that something was not said that should have been said that could have saved our relationship. We ended up talking about a bunch of things in the past and we always end up in the same place. Our conversations just go around in circles. It just seems inevitable. Separation just seems like it’s the only solution. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to try to fix our relationship while still living together and I need space between him and I so I can regain the energy to work on our relationship. Just another example of how we are thinking differently. How we want different things. We never used to be like that. We always thought the same way. Now we think differently on so many aspects of our daily life.
I can’t help my husband move. It’s too emotional for me. On Sunday we went to Costco for something and he ended up buying things for his new place and all I could do was start crying. Crying at Costco! I just wanted to bawl my eyes out really but I would not have looked to smart if I did that. It make me sad that we have to go through this and that I have made him sad with my decision to separate. But then when I consider not separating, then that brings me to a place inside that I can’t go either. I wish I could help him move, I think he wants my help, but I just can’t find the strength to do it. I feel that if I help him, I’m throwing him out and giving him a kick on the way out. I told him that and he thought it was funny. It is funny but painful too. This whole process is painful and I am constantly asking myself if there is another solution, but I never come up with something else.
This morning I am not crying so much. Just as I write this blog and just here and there when my thoughts get lost. On top of this, my mother-in-law called and kinda guilt tripped the fact that we have a child and that we should seek counselling for his sake. She told me that if after 18 years of marriage we would have told her that we are still in love she would have thought that something was not normal. She thinks people should no longer be in love after 18 years of marriage but that they should still be together for the sake of the children? Really? What a cynical view of love she has. Marriage is all about love. It incorporates a lot more I know, but at its foundation, love should always be there. I’m 42 and to think that I would never be in love until I die would be a death sentence in itself. I want to be in love with my husband. I don’t just want to live my daily life with him. I am still open to rekindling my love with him and that may still happen. Who knows what the future will bring at this point.
I have thought of counselling for myself and for my couple. Even if we are apart, we could still do it. I just need time to think…
I can’t help my husband move. It’s too emotional for me. On Sunday we went to Costco for something and he ended up buying things for his new place and all I could do was start crying. Crying at Costco! I just wanted to bawl my eyes out really but I would not have looked to smart if I did that. It make me sad that we have to go through this and that I have made him sad with my decision to separate. But then when I consider not separating, then that brings me to a place inside that I can’t go either. I wish I could help him move, I think he wants my help, but I just can’t find the strength to do it. I feel that if I help him, I’m throwing him out and giving him a kick on the way out. I told him that and he thought it was funny. It is funny but painful too. This whole process is painful and I am constantly asking myself if there is another solution, but I never come up with something else.
This morning I am not crying so much. Just as I write this blog and just here and there when my thoughts get lost. On top of this, my mother-in-law called and kinda guilt tripped the fact that we have a child and that we should seek counselling for his sake. She told me that if after 18 years of marriage we would have told her that we are still in love she would have thought that something was not normal. She thinks people should no longer be in love after 18 years of marriage but that they should still be together for the sake of the children? Really? What a cynical view of love she has. Marriage is all about love. It incorporates a lot more I know, but at its foundation, love should always be there. I’m 42 and to think that I would never be in love until I die would be a death sentence in itself. I want to be in love with my husband. I don’t just want to live my daily life with him. I am still open to rekindling my love with him and that may still happen. Who knows what the future will bring at this point.
I have thought of counselling for myself and for my couple. Even if we are apart, we could still do it. I just need time to think…
Saturday, 2 July 2011
I sit and cry
I sit and reflect some times about what I am going thru and I wonder if this decision to separate was the right choice. Then I reflect on how I felt when I was married. When I do that I realize that these two situations (being married and being separated) instill very different types of feelings for me. Right now, I have a fear of the unknown. I wonder how I will do financially, what direction my life is going to take, what changes lie ahead in terms of my job, my health, my goals, my wants, and I could go on. Way too many things to think about all at once. But among all these worried that I have, there is a sense of hope that things will get better for me and that I will find full happiness again. When I look back on how I felt in my marriage, the feelings are of struggle, indecision and having extra weight on my shoulders. But I did have security. Financial security and the security of having someone to stand by me and to be there for me every day. I think that is what I will miss the most. I feel like I am losing half of myself right now. I cry as I write this because it does give me pain to think of what I used to have. I want the great relationship I used to have with my husband but I know that is not possible right now. I need to look ahead instead of in my past. I need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. A light I have not seen in the last two years of my marriage.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Could this be the source of our problem?
So I slept on the couch for most of the night last night. I was crying most of the time so I didn’t want to go to my bed. My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed. Not that anything ever happens there anyway. It’s a king size bed so we are not very close in there anyway. I slipped into my bed around 4 in the morning.
The next morning I was still feeling sad. I was thinking of a conversation I had with my husband on the way back from work yesterday. We were talking about his family and I asked him how he sees me or doesn’t see me interacting with his family after we separate. Well that discussion led to him saying that if I get a boyfriend then it might be awkward to spend time with my family. I jump at the opportunity to say that he might find someone else (I thought that would give me an indication of how he is accepting the separation). He told me that he does not think he will find someone at the moment because of this medical condition he has and that is dominating his thoughts at the moment.
His medical condition is that he trembles. He does not have Parkinson or anything like that. He just trembles. His mother has that too. So his hands tremble and he has a hard time writing because the writing is shaky. When he uses a fork or lifts a glass, you can also see it. We have had discussions about his trembling in the past and I know that he hates it. He has tried different medications in the past but with no success. The side effects of those medications are worst then the trembling itself. I don’t make a big issue out of it because I don’t think it is a big issue. Sometime last year or the beginning of this year we were talking about it and he told me that he thought about it a lot. I told him that he has to find a way to accept it and live with it. This thing is never going away. He must get passed the thought that he will always tremble and deal with it. Harsh I know but really, what else can he do, right?
Several months have passed since and it is still dominating his life. To the point where it seems like he cannot think of anything else. So this morning it dawned on me. Has our marriage been suffering because of his trembling? If his trembling is dominating his thought then he has no room in his head to think of sex or us. It’s like, all of a sudden, this could be the reason why our relationship sucks. I just wanted to cry. I was still sad from yesterday and now realizing this just made me sadder. I went to work and I tried to hold it together, but I could not, I cried for about an hour. Fuck I hate crying at work!!!
So I was able to recompose myself, with the help of a friend, and I decided I was going to talk to him tonight about it. As the day progressed and as I was thinking about it more, I was getting mad. In my head, it was all making sense now. How can he fix us if he thinks he is so broken? He is a stubborn man. He really is.
So on the drive home, I talked to him about it. Well, I was hoping for a big revelation but there was none. He got upset at the fact that he has this. He probably thinks that I don’t understand. Part of me does, the other part does not. I get it that it’s very frustrating to have this. Why him? Why does he have this? It’s a genetic thing. It sucks! I get that. But the part of me that does not get that is why does he not deal with it? Why does he not accept it? There are people who are much much much sicker than him and they manage to live fulfilling lives. Does he think that he is incomplete because of this? Really, to hear him talk, in a few years from now, he thinks it will be so bad he may not even be able to function.
I am so pissed off right now because the more I think about it, the more I think that his trembling may be the reason for our marriage breakdown. Not the no-sex part. That is just a symptom of the real problem. What makes me mad is the thought that he has given his condition the right to screw up our marriage.
The next morning I was still feeling sad. I was thinking of a conversation I had with my husband on the way back from work yesterday. We were talking about his family and I asked him how he sees me or doesn’t see me interacting with his family after we separate. Well that discussion led to him saying that if I get a boyfriend then it might be awkward to spend time with my family. I jump at the opportunity to say that he might find someone else (I thought that would give me an indication of how he is accepting the separation). He told me that he does not think he will find someone at the moment because of this medical condition he has and that is dominating his thoughts at the moment.
His medical condition is that he trembles. He does not have Parkinson or anything like that. He just trembles. His mother has that too. So his hands tremble and he has a hard time writing because the writing is shaky. When he uses a fork or lifts a glass, you can also see it. We have had discussions about his trembling in the past and I know that he hates it. He has tried different medications in the past but with no success. The side effects of those medications are worst then the trembling itself. I don’t make a big issue out of it because I don’t think it is a big issue. Sometime last year or the beginning of this year we were talking about it and he told me that he thought about it a lot. I told him that he has to find a way to accept it and live with it. This thing is never going away. He must get passed the thought that he will always tremble and deal with it. Harsh I know but really, what else can he do, right?
Several months have passed since and it is still dominating his life. To the point where it seems like he cannot think of anything else. So this morning it dawned on me. Has our marriage been suffering because of his trembling? If his trembling is dominating his thought then he has no room in his head to think of sex or us. It’s like, all of a sudden, this could be the reason why our relationship sucks. I just wanted to cry. I was still sad from yesterday and now realizing this just made me sadder. I went to work and I tried to hold it together, but I could not, I cried for about an hour. Fuck I hate crying at work!!!
So I was able to recompose myself, with the help of a friend, and I decided I was going to talk to him tonight about it. As the day progressed and as I was thinking about it more, I was getting mad. In my head, it was all making sense now. How can he fix us if he thinks he is so broken? He is a stubborn man. He really is.
So on the drive home, I talked to him about it. Well, I was hoping for a big revelation but there was none. He got upset at the fact that he has this. He probably thinks that I don’t understand. Part of me does, the other part does not. I get it that it’s very frustrating to have this. Why him? Why does he have this? It’s a genetic thing. It sucks! I get that. But the part of me that does not get that is why does he not deal with it? Why does he not accept it? There are people who are much much much sicker than him and they manage to live fulfilling lives. Does he think that he is incomplete because of this? Really, to hear him talk, in a few years from now, he thinks it will be so bad he may not even be able to function.
I am so pissed off right now because the more I think about it, the more I think that his trembling may be the reason for our marriage breakdown. Not the no-sex part. That is just a symptom of the real problem. What makes me mad is the thought that he has given his condition the right to screw up our marriage.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Reality bites!
Tonight things are a little hard for me. I’m feeling sad. Sad about no longer being a couple. As much as I am looking forward to being alone, tonight I’m wondering if I haven’t made a mistake. My life is uncertain at this point and I think that is scaring me right now. I feel like I am financially screwed. I’m having a hard time seeing past that. Speaking to a friend today, she thinks I will be fine and that I should stop wondering what will happen. She thinks I am stronger than this.
So I am doubting, questioning and worrying about everything. Have I made the right decision? Should I have tried to work it out with my husband again but this time go see a counsellor and/or a sex therapist? Do I want to have a relationship with someone else? Will I ever find someone else? Will I ever fall in love again? OMG! Way too many questions. Way too much negativity in my head right now.
I think I need to step up my game and start taking action on things. I need to go see a bank and get a pre-approved mortgage. Take a good hard look at all my finances. Start clearing out the house (clean house…clean mind). I need to start selling stuff I no longer want…the piano, the freezer, the TV cabinet and a lot more.
Anyway, I’m sure this will not be the last day I am worried or sad about my separation. I need to expect that there will be good and bad days.
So I am doubting, questioning and worrying about everything. Have I made the right decision? Should I have tried to work it out with my husband again but this time go see a counsellor and/or a sex therapist? Do I want to have a relationship with someone else? Will I ever find someone else? Will I ever fall in love again? OMG! Way too many questions. Way too much negativity in my head right now.
I think I need to step up my game and start taking action on things. I need to go see a bank and get a pre-approved mortgage. Take a good hard look at all my finances. Start clearing out the house (clean house…clean mind). I need to start selling stuff I no longer want…the piano, the freezer, the TV cabinet and a lot more.
Anyway, I’m sure this will not be the last day I am worried or sad about my separation. I need to expect that there will be good and bad days.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Sad realization
Today I have come to the sad realisation that I will need to sell my house. My budget is way too tight for me to stay here. I could keep it but then I would not be able to enjoy my life or I would have to dip into my savings and I’m not sure I want to do that. It’s not that this house is too expensive, it’s just the cost of operating it makes things too tight. My mortgage is only $720 a month but then you have to add taxes and heating and other crap. I could get a house that’s about $100 000 cheaper and about half its size. That would bring my mortgage down about $150, if not more, and it would give me the wiggle room I need to live a more comfortable life. Not to mention other things that would cost less like taxes and utilities. I don’t want to go into debt or liquidate my savings just for a house.
Originally I was hoping to stay in the house a few months or so before having to make this decision. I know it’s my choice to leave but I still need to get used to the idea and work through it. My husband actually made a budget for me (he’s a budget guy) and told me that I could afford the house for the time being. So today, I actually took the time to look at it and evaluate it. Sure I could afford it but then I would not afford to do anything else with my life and that’s not what I want. At the moment, with 2 salaries, we enjoy financial freedom. I can go out and buy $500 worth of stuff in one day and I wouldn’t even feel a pinch. Those days are over for me and tonight I am realizing this. My financial world is crashing down on me. Ok, that might be a bit much but it’s a freedom I will have to mourn until I get used to it. I always knew I would have to sell the house and I am looking forward to a new change but not this very minute.
Now comes the hard part of getting this house ready to sell. We need to paint, get rid of some clutter and stage it. I want to sell it privately and my husband wants a realtor. We’ll have to see who wins that battle.
We also need to start telling my child about the changes that are coming. Hubby has an apartment and he is moving in less than 3 weeks. I’m not sure how he will take it. He has no idea this is coming and I’m pretty sure he will not understand why we are doing this. He finishes school tomorrow so I guess we will tell him soon after.
Originally I was hoping to stay in the house a few months or so before having to make this decision. I know it’s my choice to leave but I still need to get used to the idea and work through it. My husband actually made a budget for me (he’s a budget guy) and told me that I could afford the house for the time being. So today, I actually took the time to look at it and evaluate it. Sure I could afford it but then I would not afford to do anything else with my life and that’s not what I want. At the moment, with 2 salaries, we enjoy financial freedom. I can go out and buy $500 worth of stuff in one day and I wouldn’t even feel a pinch. Those days are over for me and tonight I am realizing this. My financial world is crashing down on me. Ok, that might be a bit much but it’s a freedom I will have to mourn until I get used to it. I always knew I would have to sell the house and I am looking forward to a new change but not this very minute.
Now comes the hard part of getting this house ready to sell. We need to paint, get rid of some clutter and stage it. I want to sell it privately and my husband wants a realtor. We’ll have to see who wins that battle.
We also need to start telling my child about the changes that are coming. Hubby has an apartment and he is moving in less than 3 weeks. I’m not sure how he will take it. He has no idea this is coming and I’m pretty sure he will not understand why we are doing this. He finishes school tomorrow so I guess we will tell him soon after.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Yes...then...no
On May 29th, my husband and I spoke about our relationship again and through the goodness of my heart I decided to give him another chance. It was a moment of weakness really because as soon as I said it, I almost regretted it. But I decided to give it a chance.
The next few days for me were not good. The thought of having to stay with my husband until he tried to figure things out was not working out for me. I was at the end of my rope. I had no more energy left to add to this relationship. I was all tapped out. So I did what was very hard for me. I told him that I could not go ahead with giving him a second chance. I was crying. I felt bad but at the same time, I felt like I had to do this. Separating really sucks on all levels. The hurt you cause someone else, the instability you create in each others lives, the unknown to come. It all sucks!
The next few days for me were not good. The thought of having to stay with my husband until he tried to figure things out was not working out for me. I was at the end of my rope. I had no more energy left to add to this relationship. I was all tapped out. So I did what was very hard for me. I told him that I could not go ahead with giving him a second chance. I was crying. I felt bad but at the same time, I felt like I had to do this. Separating really sucks on all levels. The hurt you cause someone else, the instability you create in each others lives, the unknown to come. It all sucks!
Saturday, 28 May 2011
The day after
My husband today asked me if I could give him 6 weeks to shape up. That means that he would take this time to get back into shape and hopefully boost his libido. I did not like that. The thought of staying stagnant for another 6 weeks made me feel like I had another weight put on my shoulders. I asked him if we could do this 6 week trial in separate houses. He said no. So I told him that I had to think about it.
Later that afternoon, I went to see a movie with my husband and child. We are still friends and I want my child to still feel like there is a sense of family when it comes to us. I don’t want him to feel like it’s either his mom or dad but rather both of us.
I did not give my husband an answer yet. I just can’t come up with one. My head is saying that I should give him another 6 weeks. Why give up now kinda thing but my heart is saying that I am done. I will sleep on it for one more night.
Later that afternoon, I went to see a movie with my husband and child. We are still friends and I want my child to still feel like there is a sense of family when it comes to us. I don’t want him to feel like it’s either his mom or dad but rather both of us.
I did not give my husband an answer yet. I just can’t come up with one. My head is saying that I should give him another 6 weeks. Why give up now kinda thing but my heart is saying that I am done. I will sleep on it for one more night.
Friday, 27 May 2011
The end
I have been married for 18 years and I have asked my husband for a separation. It’s something I have been thinking of for a long time but many factors made me think that it was not the right time or the right thing to do.
My husband is a great person and I think that is the problem. I never complain about my husband because there is not much to complain about. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect but when I compare him to other husbands…he’s almost a saint!
So why ask for a separation? Well, you see our sex life has been going down hill for a while now. Like the last 10 years I would say. Steadily going down. It has come to a point where I need more intimacy…or just plain intimacy. I’m only 42 years old and I am way too young to call it quits in the sex department of my life.
We have talked about our sex life, or lack thereof, and then we talked some more and then some more again. I am tired of talking about it. He says he has no libido. So I told him to get checked. He did and the doctor said his hormone levels are fine. He thinks that his problem is that he is out of shape. Ok ! I’ll get into shape he says. Does he? No. Well, I am tired of waiting and hoping that one day he will wake up and feel horny. So after 2 years of having sex about 6 times, I’m calling it quits.
So tonight I had every intention on telling my husband that it was over between us. And I did. I spoke with him and told him I wanted to separate. That I could not stay in this relationship as it is. We have spoken a lot in the past about our problems and nothing is changing. So this is me putting my foot down and wanting to move on without him. My husband needs to process information before making a decision. I was not expecting any fighting or any long drawn out conversation. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. He came down at one point and went for a drive to clear his mind. I have no idea what he was thinking. He doesn’t tell me. I usually have to draw the information out of him. When he came back, he decided to sleep on the couch for the night and did not want to talk.
It’s weird but I did not feel very much emotion and I questioned that. This decision felt good for me. It was something that I have been thinking for a long time and tonight I finally did it. Tonight was the night I changed the rest of my life. Not sure if it was going to be good or bad but one thing I know, I had to do it.
My husband is a great person and I think that is the problem. I never complain about my husband because there is not much to complain about. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect but when I compare him to other husbands…he’s almost a saint!
So why ask for a separation? Well, you see our sex life has been going down hill for a while now. Like the last 10 years I would say. Steadily going down. It has come to a point where I need more intimacy…or just plain intimacy. I’m only 42 years old and I am way too young to call it quits in the sex department of my life.
We have talked about our sex life, or lack thereof, and then we talked some more and then some more again. I am tired of talking about it. He says he has no libido. So I told him to get checked. He did and the doctor said his hormone levels are fine. He thinks that his problem is that he is out of shape. Ok ! I’ll get into shape he says. Does he? No. Well, I am tired of waiting and hoping that one day he will wake up and feel horny. So after 2 years of having sex about 6 times, I’m calling it quits.
So tonight I had every intention on telling my husband that it was over between us. And I did. I spoke with him and told him I wanted to separate. That I could not stay in this relationship as it is. We have spoken a lot in the past about our problems and nothing is changing. So this is me putting my foot down and wanting to move on without him. My husband needs to process information before making a decision. I was not expecting any fighting or any long drawn out conversation. He went upstairs and I stayed downstairs. He came down at one point and went for a drive to clear his mind. I have no idea what he was thinking. He doesn’t tell me. I usually have to draw the information out of him. When he came back, he decided to sleep on the couch for the night and did not want to talk.
It’s weird but I did not feel very much emotion and I questioned that. This decision felt good for me. It was something that I have been thinking for a long time and tonight I finally did it. Tonight was the night I changed the rest of my life. Not sure if it was going to be good or bad but one thing I know, I had to do it.
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