So I slept on the couch for most of the night last night. I was crying most of the time so I didn’t want to go to my bed. My husband and I are still sleeping in the same bed. Not that anything ever happens there anyway. It’s a king size bed so we are not very close in there anyway. I slipped into my bed around 4 in the morning.
The next morning I was still feeling sad. I was thinking of a conversation I had with my husband on the way back from work yesterday. We were talking about his family and I asked him how he sees me or doesn’t see me interacting with his family after we separate. Well that discussion led to him saying that if I get a boyfriend then it might be awkward to spend time with my family. I jump at the opportunity to say that he might find someone else (I thought that would give me an indication of how he is accepting the separation). He told me that he does not think he will find someone at the moment because of this medical condition he has and that is dominating his thoughts at the moment.
His medical condition is that he trembles. He does not have Parkinson or anything like that. He just trembles. His mother has that too. So his hands tremble and he has a hard time writing because the writing is shaky. When he uses a fork or lifts a glass, you can also see it. We have had discussions about his trembling in the past and I know that he hates it. He has tried different medications in the past but with no success. The side effects of those medications are worst then the trembling itself. I don’t make a big issue out of it because I don’t think it is a big issue. Sometime last year or the beginning of this year we were talking about it and he told me that he thought about it a lot. I told him that he has to find a way to accept it and live with it. This thing is never going away. He must get passed the thought that he will always tremble and deal with it. Harsh I know but really, what else can he do, right?
Several months have passed since and it is still dominating his life. To the point where it seems like he cannot think of anything else. So this morning it dawned on me. Has our marriage been suffering because of his trembling? If his trembling is dominating his thought then he has no room in his head to think of sex or us. It’s like, all of a sudden, this could be the reason why our relationship sucks. I just wanted to cry. I was still sad from yesterday and now realizing this just made me sadder. I went to work and I tried to hold it together, but I could not, I cried for about an hour. Fuck I hate crying at work!!!
So I was able to recompose myself, with the help of a friend, and I decided I was going to talk to him tonight about it. As the day progressed and as I was thinking about it more, I was getting mad. In my head, it was all making sense now. How can he fix us if he thinks he is so broken? He is a stubborn man. He really is.
So on the drive home, I talked to him about it. Well, I was hoping for a big revelation but there was none. He got upset at the fact that he has this. He probably thinks that I don’t understand. Part of me does, the other part does not. I get it that it’s very frustrating to have this. Why him? Why does he have this? It’s a genetic thing. It sucks! I get that. But the part of me that does not get that is why does he not deal with it? Why does he not accept it? There are people who are much much much sicker than him and they manage to live fulfilling lives. Does he think that he is incomplete because of this? Really, to hear him talk, in a few years from now, he thinks it will be so bad he may not even be able to function.
I am so pissed off right now because the more I think about it, the more I think that his trembling may be the reason for our marriage breakdown. Not the no-sex part. That is just a symptom of the real problem. What makes me mad is the thought that he has given his condition the right to screw up our marriage.
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