The week in review

I enjoyed my week on my own. It was nice to be alone. Although by the end of the week I did not really feel like I was alone. I saw my son every night this week except for Wednesday. I saw him on Monday because my ex needed the car, Tuesday I saw him at soccer practice, Wednesday I only talked to him on the phone, on Thursday soccer was cancelled due to the extreme heat but I asked my ex and son if they wanted to go to Dairy Queen for a treat, so I saw him then.

I am really tired this week as I am having a hard time sleeping. Falling asleep is the worst. As the week is progressing, it’s getting worst. Never falling asleep before midnight and waking up before 6 am. I’m the type of person that needs 8 hours of sleep, so I am getting more and more exhausted as the week is progressing. Like extremely exhausted. I feel like I am suffering from insomnia. This happens to me when I am stressed out and I need to figure out what is causing the stress. I do realize that seeing my ex and talking to him everyday is causing me some stress. I need to get away from him. I need to have some distance between him and I for a while. When I think of our relationship, I get upset. I’m mad at him for doing this to us and forcing my hand.

On another note, I went to a Zumba class on Wednesday. A friend of mine started going and asked me to go with her. It was fun! A full hour of jumping around and shaking your booty to latin music is great. I lacked coordination at times (ok…many times) but it was fun. I can’t remember the last time I smiled for a full hour while doing exercises. LOL! They break for the next couple of weeks due to summer holidays, but I will definitely be going again in August.

After work tonight, I will go get my son for a week. I’m anxious to see how he will take the back and forth from mommy’s place to daddy’s place. He seems to be doing well though.

First day back at work

First day back at work went well. Read a gazillion emails and nothing much else. Really not a productive day. I am super tired today because I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ve been going to bed quite late during my vacation, after midnight most nights. So going to bed at 9:30 last night was kinda useless. I did not fall asleep until past midnight and I probably woke up like 6 times after that. I’m a night owl. I would stay up late every night and get up late.

Saw my son after work as my ex needed the car (yes, we are sharing the car for now), so they came to get me at work. Driving home together is not the greatest anymore. Not much talking going on but I took the opportunity to talk about some custody issues I had as well as an agreement for the use of the car. It’s just not the same talking to him anymore. He is either more negative (probably due to the separation, duh!) or just because he is a negative person and I am noticing it more now.

Tonight I cleaned around the house a bit. That is what I want to do now, I want to get this house into shape and get everything that I don’t want in it out.

Time to recharge my batteries

My son has been living at his Dad’s since Friday night. We have now started the shared custody. One week with Dad, one week with Mom. My son does not seemed too concerned. He was actually looking forward to going to his fathers on Friday. Him and my ex have a great relationship together. He is definitely a daddy’s boy. My son, has seen both of us every single day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. We are very mindful of the effects this separation has on him and we are trying to minimize any negative feelings on his part. I guess we can’t protect him from everything but we are making sure that he knows he is loved and that this separation is not caused by him. It’s sad not having him here with me, and when I do see him for the few minutes when it’s not my turn to have him, I cry after he leaves. He seems happy but I find it sad.

Yesterday I stuffed my face. I went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place with my friend. That was nice. She had been on vacation for the last couple of weeks and we did not get a chance to talk. Just a bit of texting. So we spent a couple of hours catching up. Then for supper I was invited to a friend’s house. Well, I didn’t think to far in advance when I accepted the invitation that I might still be full from lunch. Luckily, we ate a little late but I was so freaking stuffed at the end of the day.

Today I went cycling and had a 3 hour nap. Did not have breakfast before cycling because I was still so full from yesterday. I feel really drained today. Maybe the last two weeks are catching up with me. I start work again tomorrow. I was on vacation for the last couple of weeks. Which was a good thing, because if I would have had to go to work during these past few weeks it would have been awful. At least this way, I was able to concentrate on the changes in my life.

I’m looking forward to this week and seeing how it will unfold. First week where I am officially separated (not legally, just physically), where I do not have my son living with me and where I go back to work and resume my day-to-day life. Let’s see what the future brings…

Just thinking out loud

The person that used to mean the world to me is gone. I sent my husband away. I used to cherish and value him the most in the whole world. He was the most important being in my life. I have always put my family first. I used to think that if I lost everything in the world, I would still be ok, as long as I had my husband and son with me. But now, I have sent him away. How can I send away someone who used to be so important in my life? I have fallen out of love with my husband. There is no more intimacy, no more connection, no more affection. We are just friends that care deeply for each other and we were just living our day-to-day life together in which I have lost myself. That sounds like what a lot of people would say when they separate, but it seems to fit.

Maybe because I am selfish and not enough time was spent on me. Although, I would still go out to dinner with friends and do some stuff for me, but it still seems like I was putting a lot of my time and energy towards other people. It’s not like my husband would stop me from doing things with other people. Actually that was the opposite, he never stopped me from doing things but maybe I did. Maybe I forgot about myself. Maybe dinner with friends once in a while was not enough for me. I feel like I have not grown up in a while. My husband was not exactly a social butterfly. He would shy away from some activities, so therefore, I would to and I didn’t like it.

I keep thinking that my husband will be there for me in case I decide to come back but maybe he won’t. Asking him to fall in love with me again might be a lot to ask. Asking myself to fall in love with him again might also be a lot to ask. I could fall in love with my husband again if the intimacy came back and our connection was restored. I miss that in a relationship and I am looking forward to having that again in my life. I am looking forward to meeting someone and having sparks fly. I wish it was now, but I think meeting someone might take time.

First night alone

Tonight my husband is officially gone. He is now living in his own apartment, away from me. I have mixed emotions about it. It feels good to be alone. And by alone, I mean no husband because I am not totally alone due to the fact that my son is with me tonight. But just alone with no one to answer to except for myself. No one to depend on, no one to worry about, just me. It also feels sad. Sad that our once great relationship has officially come to an end.

Tonight, my son was spending a couple of hours at my ex-huband’s place (oh! saying my ex-husband will take some time to get used to!) and I went over to get my son. I rang the doorbell, my ex answered, smiled and said come on in. For a brief moment there, it brought me back to when him and I first started dating and I would go meet up with him at his apartment. It kinda stopped me in my tracks for a moment as I remembered the feelings I had for him back then. It feels weird to go to his apartment because it’s not my home but at the same time it feels like home because all the things there are things him and I shared for so many years. I’m not sure how he feels. When I do ask him, he is always kinda vague in his answers.

I’m kind of in a constant state of sadness. Not total depression but just sad. The other day I actually laughed out loud at something (can’t remember what it was) and I actually thought to myself that I have not laughed like that in what seems to be a while. Even tonight at the grocery store, I gave a big smile to the guy that packs my groceries and said thank you and I also thought that it seems I haven’t smiled like that in a while. I’m a happy person but lately I am not as happy as I should be. I guess I am looking forward to getting my happy back soon!

Ahhhh! Time alone at last :)

I’ve had a good couple of days. I managed to have about 6 hours to myself on Sunday. Went cycling for about 2 hours. That allowed me to think and relieve some stress. And hubby and child went for some errands for about 4 hours. It was good for me. I felt happy to be alone. When hubby came back, I felt like crying again. So I have come to the conclusion that when my hubby leaves, things will get better for me emotionally. Today, hubby was working, so my son and I just chilled all day doing nothing much. Felt like my batteries were being re-energized.

Hubby is still living in the house as he has no fridge and stove yet. They are being delivered tomorrow. So as of tomorrow, he should officially no longer live in our house. I’m looking forward to starting that part of my life. It really is sad when a couple go their separate ways. There won’t be any fan-fair here or I won’t be throwing any separation party because it is sad. I feel awful but this time apart will hopefully allow both of us to grow. I also need to see how my son is going to adjust to this. So far, we have been talking about it but as of tomorrow, we start putting it in motion. That will be the true test of how much he understands.

So tomorrow, I might start tackling my budget. I’ve been putting it off but I can’t anymore. It’s been causing me stress to think about it but I need to face it. I have never done a budget in my life. It’s always been my hubby that did that and he did it very well. Maybe I could hire him as my financial guy. LOL!

Moving day

Today was moving day for my husband. He recruted his sister and brother-in-law to help. I helped too because that is what we have always done…we help each other. I did not want to help him just because it was going to be too emotional for me but he asked that I stay and help. I cried, in private, when his sister got here and at one other time when his sister and I were taking a break from hauling stuff. At times, it felt weird but at the end of the day, I felt kinda good. Not because his stuff was out of the house, but simply because we were doing something together. It felt like we were accomplishing something together. Like before.

So I questioned myself. Why did I want to leave my husband? All of a sudden I had no answer. Then a little bit of panic because I thought maybe I had no good reason. So why did I leave him? Oh yes, no sex in our marriage. No romantic connection. Not being able to make a decision on almost anything. Drifting apart. Lack of communication. And my thoughts were always outside the marriage. I had dreams of being separated. But today, I told myself a couple of times “be careful what you wish for”. I questioned that decision.

I felt sad and sorry that I was responsible for what was going on today. I actually said sorry to my husband a couple of times. But you know what? I should not be sorry. He is the one that should be sorry. Most of our problems stem from him. I often do that. I often take the blame for what others are responsible. It’s like I want them to be sorry, but they are not, so I say it for them.

I am going to live a separate life. I am going to start referring to him as my ex-husband. I am going to find my way in this world on my own. I am…I am…I am…I know I am going to be fine. Actually, I’m really not feeling that last sentence. I’m not feeling like I will be fine. I feel like I need someone to hold me by the hand and walk me through all of this. I so want to just cry for hours and scream but I am never alone these days. My child is always with me due to summer vacation. Tonight I went for a drive. Was gone for about an hour but I could not cry. The irony though, is when I was about to arrive home, then I wanted to cry. I feel alone. I feel like a big baby.

On my drive I was trying to look to my future. Trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Is this my life? Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? I failed in my marriage and now I am faced with being alone. How the hell did that happen? Why do I always want more then what I have?

We have an employee wellness program at work and I think I will call them on Monday. Talking to a professional might help me with some of my feelings. I don’t remember crying so much when I was married. I just wanted to be alone and separated from my husband. And now that I am separated, I cry so much. So I still ask myself, did I make the right decision or is this just part for the course?

I need a crystal ball to help me see my future more clearly. I need to find answers.

Going back down :(

This morning I still feel good about my thoughts from last night. But I do feel uneasy about something. Like an anxiety feeling. I’m not sure where this is coming from. From time to time I think I have these slight panic attacks. Out of nowhere, I get the feeling like I’m about to stop breathing. I really have to stop and focus on relaxing. I think it happened to me at Pilates yesterday. We were just doing some breathing and I was all sweaty and actually felt light headed. I had to stop. It lasted about 5 minutes or so and I was able to recompose myself. It just happens with no notice. I also need to focus on eating. I’ve been neglecting that. That may also be affecting my health.

My determination I had last night is not as strong today. I feel shaky. What was different from last night? Not sure. I do feel a bit more motivated but I have a sense of worry or panic or uncertainty. I actually had some music playing in the house today. It ashamed because last night everything seemed so clear to me. My confidence was back. I could see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. But today, that is slowly going away. I need to continue working in this direction.

As I write this blog entry in stages today, I can say that my day is getting progressively worst. My crying episodes have come back. I got an email from my sister-in-law showing her support and making sure I am still part of the family. That drew emotions out of me.

I went out to dinner with a friend and she was able to lift my spirits. I really need to get out of the house more because staying in just makes me think negative thoughts.

Breakthrough?

I have just dreamt of doing things. I have done nothing with my life. I can’t live like this anymore. Living with regrets. Living but not doing anything, Stop being scared! Stop finding excuses for not doing stuff. START LIVING!!!! You want to do something? Then do it!!! Stop thinking of what your friends will think or if they will judge me. I just have myself to answer to.

I don’t feel like crying tonight. I feel like I have had a breakthrough of some sort. I just need to continue thinking this way. I can’t revert back to my comfort zone. Comfort zone….bad, uncomfortable zone…good! I feel like I have a new found sense of direction tonight. Or at least, the start of a new direction.

Crying...again

My husband is getting ready to move on Saturday. He is packing his stuff and that is also making me very sad. We spoke again on Sunday about our relationship and I made a promise to myself not to hold back any feelings or comments about what is going on in my head about our relationship. The last thing I want is that something was not said that should have been said that could have saved our relationship. We ended up talking about a bunch of things in the past and we always end up in the same place. Our conversations just go around in circles. It just seems inevitable. Separation just seems like it’s the only solution. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to try to fix our relationship while still living together and I need space between him and I so I can regain the energy to work on our relationship. Just another example of how we are thinking differently. How we want different things. We never used to be like that. We always thought the same way. Now we think differently on so many aspects of our daily life.

I can’t help my husband move. It’s too emotional for me. On Sunday we went to Costco for something and he ended up buying things for his new place and all I could do was start crying. Crying at Costco! I just wanted to bawl my eyes out really but I would not have looked to smart if I did that. It make me sad that we have to go through this and that I have made him sad with my decision to separate. But then when I consider not separating, then that brings me to a place inside that I can’t go either. I wish I could help him move, I think he wants my help, but I just can’t find the strength to do it. I feel that if I help him, I’m throwing him out and giving him a kick on the way out. I told him that and he thought it was funny. It is funny but painful too. This whole process is painful and I am constantly asking myself if there is another solution, but I never come up with something else.

This morning I am not crying so much. Just as I write this blog and just here and there when my thoughts get lost. On top of this, my mother-in-law called and kinda guilt tripped the fact that we have a child and that we should seek counselling for his sake. She told me that if after 18 years of marriage we would have told her that we are still in love she would have thought that something was not normal. She thinks people should no longer be in love after 18 years of marriage but that they should still be together for the sake of the children? Really? What a cynical view of love she has. Marriage is all about love. It incorporates a lot more I know, but at its foundation, love should always be there. I’m 42 and to think that I would never be in love until I die would be a death sentence in itself. I want to be in love with my husband. I don’t just want to live my daily life with him. I am still open to rekindling my love with him and that may still happen. Who knows what the future will bring at this point.

I have thought of counselling for myself and for my couple. Even if we are apart, we could still do it. I just need time to think…

I sit and cry

I sit and reflect some times about what I am going thru and I wonder if this decision to separate was the right choice. Then I reflect on how I felt when I was married. When I do that I realize that these two situations (being married and being separated) instill very different types of feelings for me. Right now, I have a fear of the unknown. I wonder how I will do financially, what direction my life is going to take, what changes lie ahead in terms of my job, my health, my goals, my wants, and I could go on. Way too many things to think about all at once. But among all these worried that I have, there is a sense of hope that things will get better for me and that I will find full happiness again. When I look back on how I felt in my marriage, the feelings are of struggle, indecision and having extra weight on my shoulders. But I did have security. Financial security and the security of having someone to stand by me and to be there for me every day. I think that is what I will miss the most. I feel like I am losing half of myself right now. I cry as I write this because it does give me pain to think of what I used to have. I want the great relationship I used to have with my husband but I know that is not possible right now. I need to look ahead instead of in my past. I need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. A light I have not seen in the last two years of my marriage.