I sit and cry

I sit and reflect some times about what I am going thru and I wonder if this decision to separate was the right choice. Then I reflect on how I felt when I was married. When I do that I realize that these two situations (being married and being separated) instill very different types of feelings for me. Right now, I have a fear of the unknown. I wonder how I will do financially, what direction my life is going to take, what changes lie ahead in terms of my job, my health, my goals, my wants, and I could go on. Way too many things to think about all at once. But among all these worried that I have, there is a sense of hope that things will get better for me and that I will find full happiness again. When I look back on how I felt in my marriage, the feelings are of struggle, indecision and having extra weight on my shoulders. But I did have security. Financial security and the security of having someone to stand by me and to be there for me every day. I think that is what I will miss the most. I feel like I am losing half of myself right now. I cry as I write this because it does give me pain to think of what I used to have. I want the great relationship I used to have with my husband but I know that is not possible right now. I need to look ahead instead of in my past. I need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. A light I have not seen in the last two years of my marriage.