Crying...again

My husband is getting ready to move on Saturday. He is packing his stuff and that is also making me very sad. We spoke again on Sunday about our relationship and I made a promise to myself not to hold back any feelings or comments about what is going on in my head about our relationship. The last thing I want is that something was not said that should have been said that could have saved our relationship. We ended up talking about a bunch of things in the past and we always end up in the same place. Our conversations just go around in circles. It just seems inevitable. Separation just seems like it’s the only solution. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to try to fix our relationship while still living together and I need space between him and I so I can regain the energy to work on our relationship. Just another example of how we are thinking differently. How we want different things. We never used to be like that. We always thought the same way. Now we think differently on so many aspects of our daily life.

I can’t help my husband move. It’s too emotional for me. On Sunday we went to Costco for something and he ended up buying things for his new place and all I could do was start crying. Crying at Costco! I just wanted to bawl my eyes out really but I would not have looked to smart if I did that. It make me sad that we have to go through this and that I have made him sad with my decision to separate. But then when I consider not separating, then that brings me to a place inside that I can’t go either. I wish I could help him move, I think he wants my help, but I just can’t find the strength to do it. I feel that if I help him, I’m throwing him out and giving him a kick on the way out. I told him that and he thought it was funny. It is funny but painful too. This whole process is painful and I am constantly asking myself if there is another solution, but I never come up with something else.

This morning I am not crying so much. Just as I write this blog and just here and there when my thoughts get lost. On top of this, my mother-in-law called and kinda guilt tripped the fact that we have a child and that we should seek counselling for his sake. She told me that if after 18 years of marriage we would have told her that we are still in love she would have thought that something was not normal. She thinks people should no longer be in love after 18 years of marriage but that they should still be together for the sake of the children? Really? What a cynical view of love she has. Marriage is all about love. It incorporates a lot more I know, but at its foundation, love should always be there. I’m 42 and to think that I would never be in love until I die would be a death sentence in itself. I want to be in love with my husband. I don’t just want to live my daily life with him. I am still open to rekindling my love with him and that may still happen. Who knows what the future will bring at this point.

I have thought of counselling for myself and for my couple. Even if we are apart, we could still do it. I just need time to think…