Moving day

Today was moving day for my husband. He recruted his sister and brother-in-law to help. I helped too because that is what we have always done…we help each other. I did not want to help him just because it was going to be too emotional for me but he asked that I stay and help. I cried, in private, when his sister got here and at one other time when his sister and I were taking a break from hauling stuff. At times, it felt weird but at the end of the day, I felt kinda good. Not because his stuff was out of the house, but simply because we were doing something together. It felt like we were accomplishing something together. Like before.

So I questioned myself. Why did I want to leave my husband? All of a sudden I had no answer. Then a little bit of panic because I thought maybe I had no good reason. So why did I leave him? Oh yes, no sex in our marriage. No romantic connection. Not being able to make a decision on almost anything. Drifting apart. Lack of communication. And my thoughts were always outside the marriage. I had dreams of being separated. But today, I told myself a couple of times “be careful what you wish for”. I questioned that decision.

I felt sad and sorry that I was responsible for what was going on today. I actually said sorry to my husband a couple of times. But you know what? I should not be sorry. He is the one that should be sorry. Most of our problems stem from him. I often do that. I often take the blame for what others are responsible. It’s like I want them to be sorry, but they are not, so I say it for them.

I am going to live a separate life. I am going to start referring to him as my ex-husband. I am going to find my way in this world on my own. I am…I am…I am…I know I am going to be fine. Actually, I’m really not feeling that last sentence. I’m not feeling like I will be fine. I feel like I need someone to hold me by the hand and walk me through all of this. I so want to just cry for hours and scream but I am never alone these days. My child is always with me due to summer vacation. Tonight I went for a drive. Was gone for about an hour but I could not cry. The irony though, is when I was about to arrive home, then I wanted to cry. I feel alone. I feel like a big baby.

On my drive I was trying to look to my future. Trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Is this my life? Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? I failed in my marriage and now I am faced with being alone. How the hell did that happen? Why do I always want more then what I have?

We have an employee wellness program at work and I think I will call them on Monday. Talking to a professional might help me with some of my feelings. I don’t remember crying so much when I was married. I just wanted to be alone and separated from my husband. And now that I am separated, I cry so much. So I still ask myself, did I make the right decision or is this just part for the course?

I need a crystal ball to help me see my future more clearly. I need to find answers.