Just thinking out loud

The person that used to mean the world to me is gone. I sent my husband away. I used to cherish and value him the most in the whole world. He was the most important being in my life. I have always put my family first. I used to think that if I lost everything in the world, I would still be ok, as long as I had my husband and son with me. But now, I have sent him away. How can I send away someone who used to be so important in my life? I have fallen out of love with my husband. There is no more intimacy, no more connection, no more affection. We are just friends that care deeply for each other and we were just living our day-to-day life together in which I have lost myself. That sounds like what a lot of people would say when they separate, but it seems to fit.

Maybe because I am selfish and not enough time was spent on me. Although, I would still go out to dinner with friends and do some stuff for me, but it still seems like I was putting a lot of my time and energy towards other people. It’s not like my husband would stop me from doing things with other people. Actually that was the opposite, he never stopped me from doing things but maybe I did. Maybe I forgot about myself. Maybe dinner with friends once in a while was not enough for me. I feel like I have not grown up in a while. My husband was not exactly a social butterfly. He would shy away from some activities, so therefore, I would to and I didn’t like it.

I keep thinking that my husband will be there for me in case I decide to come back but maybe he won’t. Asking him to fall in love with me again might be a lot to ask. Asking myself to fall in love with him again might also be a lot to ask. I could fall in love with my husband again if the intimacy came back and our connection was restored. I miss that in a relationship and I am looking forward to having that again in my life. I am looking forward to meeting someone and having sparks fly. I wish it was now, but I think meeting someone might take time.